Like many others in this part of the grooming sector I have fallen victim to malice, hostility and the occasional debate.
You may be reading these words thinking to yourself "but of course being present in the world of social media can expose you to the dark side of people, how silly can you be?".
It's true that in a world where the safety of a screen can serve as a reason to not hold back from speaking one's mind and instead fuel our innermost desire to criticise and judge others.
But when is it time to stop the cycle and take a step back from situations that only serve to disgruntle and discredit, and when is it time to embrace professional distance?
Today I would like to talk about some of the lessons I've learned from 2024 after strongly reflecting on my own personal weaknesses and past behaviours, and how this has led me to the conclusion that from now on DISTANCE is my superpower and the way to protect myself going forward in all my business endeavours.
In the process, you may find that suddenly something in you clicks or you might decide that it's all a load of dog farts - either way, at least you can say you gave the idea of distance more than a second's thought which, if nothing else, shows a commitment to investing time reflecting in your own self care (which is super important).
Let me begin with narrating how it looked back when I first began puttng myself "out there"...
Background: When Passion Blindly Drives Action.
Let's enter our handy time travel machine and explore my start in grooming back in 2018.
It was also the year I had gave birth to my second son and experienced for the first time what it felt like to have a near-death experience due to a lack of pain relief during said delivery (brrrr, need I go on!).
I had freshly completed 90% of my dog grooming training, only to leave after a disagreement with my trainer over many of the welfare concerns I had pointed out during my time in her establishment.
I quickly came to the conclusion that the methodology to conventional grooming processes were not quite what I had envisioned them to be, but that this was more of an industry-wide issue rather than just one individual and her approach.
To put it bluntly, it was obvious that the experience of grooming for dogs was never a consideration in training curriculum and therefore, considerable stress was an expected consequence of our roles with no need for this to be reviewed.
I knew I had a lot of work to do and so it didn't take me long at all to identify the areas of the industry that were lacking before I had invested in additional training to advance my skills in areas including dog training, behaviour and psychology, anatomy and physiology and cooperative dog care.
Establishing A Platform: Tolerating People's Unacceptable Behaviour Yet Defending My Own And Realising That Neither Were Serving My Purpose
At the same time, I began to vocalise my learnings and concerns through a blog site quickly attracting the attention of my peers, many of which were angry over my lack of desire to sugar coat what the majority had tried to keep behind the smoke and mirrors.
But I knew that grooming was more than just styling dogs to look pretty and I felt that it was important to raise awareness of the potential risks in conventional processes.
Those early days were a challenge that made my work all-the-more difficult.
There were days when I doubted my new-found knowledge when confronted by frustrated industry "leaders"
There were days when I felt emotionally-charged and ready to justify and defend my "unorthodox" approach
There were days when I simply tolerated the backlash, accepting it as being part-in-parcel with having a big mouth and not knowing when to close it.
But here's the kicker:
My self-doubt often snow-balled into episodes of mass-self-destruction and I would find myself constantly reviewing and editing my published content to try and avoid offending someone.
The days where I felt brave enough to respond to criticism would lead to me feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and angry at the world for days on end.
And feeling that I had to tolerate bad practice led to feelings of hopelessness.
None of it helped me progress my purpose.
And because I was so immersed in what the nay-sayers were saying and maybe thinking, I lost countless opportunities to connect with the people who did value what I had to say!
4 Reasons Why I Don't Tolerate and Debate Anymore
Reason #1. Unleashing 'Ash' Wasn't Productive, it was Destructive!
It all began to make sense during a Q&A event with fellow colleague, Andrew Hale - he was explaining to a group of HGA students how destructive 'Bob' was to productivity.
For your information, Bob is Andrew's ego and the version of himself who is often driven by a passion in all things dog care - a passion that can get Andrew into a lot of trouble.
As it happens, we ALL have our own versions of 'Bob', so for ease of reference let's refer to mine as 'Ash' or perhaps 'Sassy Ashy' would be more fitting...
Andrew, a former Human Psychologist-turned-Certified Canine Behaviourist, went on to talk about how we are all programmed to receive judgement and how ego can often possess and misguide us into behaving in defensive and often, confrontational ways.
It rang true for me since I could compare this to the feeling I would always get when faced with a groomer who, in my eyes, was causing a dog unnecessary stress.
In those moments, it very much feels like I am possessed by an evil spirit and, before I realise it, I'm smack-bang in the middle of a devastating Wild Fire that Ash in all her passion, has recklessly and shamelessly started!
In fact, there are countless examples I could relay that would perfectly describe the disaster of Ash emerging in a blaze of passion-driven fury made up of excuses and reasons why everyone else is wrong and she is RIGHT.
But despite the fact that (deep down) Ash comes from a place of love -
Ash is bias.
Ash is a bad listener.
Ash is more emotional and less rationale.
Ash is 'black and white'.
Ash is harsh and non-compassionate.
And it was with this clarity it suddenly dawned on me that allowing my passion to overpower my purpose meant that my intended message would absolutely get lost amidst the heat-of-the-moment words (and actions) that would occur in an attempt to convince people to see my point of view...
Needless to say I have made a conscious effort to begin identifying when Ash is festering and ready to erupt and I am getting better at putting her to bed for the night.
By allowing my more compassionate and level-minded self to reflect and think, I am in a far better position to approach conflict with dignity and respect.
Reason #2. We Are All Different And That's Totally Normal!
When I was more driven by my passion rather than my purpose I genuinely felt that it was my right to convince the nay-sayers to believe in what I believed.
I was egotistical - yes - but I like to think I was mostly romantic.
The reality I was slowly becoming adjusted to however was far from the ideal scenario I had envisioned in my head - that nobody will ever agree or believe in one thing, in one way.
We are beautifully complex and diverse and it's because of this we couldn't possibly ever be the same.
When I realised that everyone's behaviours and belief systems are a reflection of a series of factors that differ in context, it was far easier to accept that preaching to those who don't see it from my perspective was not necessarily a reflection of my lack of know-how and/or inability to convert.
It was merely a consequence of how we are made, what we experience and how that makes us the individuals we are.
'Diversity', or more specifically 'NEURODIVERSITY' is something WE ALL are because we are ALL perfectly different in our own unique and different ways.
From this lesson I realised there were other ways of raising awareness and doing my bit to evoke change and that didn't involve being unrealistic with my expectations of others.
For example:
I stopped wasting my energy on arguing and entered into conversations with people already onboard with my approach.
I stopped shouting at people and started listening more to what they had to say.
I stopped assuming I knew best and I began asking questions to help broaden my understanding of alternative perspectives.
I stopped searching for comments that I knew would anger me and I allowed the right people to find me instead.
Shame expert, Brené Brown refers to ego as being an 'inner hustler' further explaining it to be, "our inner hustlers have very little tolerance for discomfort or self-reflection. The ego doesn’t own stories or want to write new endings; it denies emotion and hates curiosity. Instead, the ego uses stories as armour and alibis" (Brown, 2017).
Focusing more on the people most like me - the people who shared similar interests, views and beliefs - was a far more productive way to spend my time while accepting that what the rest of the population thought was frankly none of my business, meant I could stop obsessing and start progressing.
Reason #3. I Am Not The Centre Of Anyone's Universe Other Than My Own.
The hard truth is that when push comes to shove nobody really cares what you have to say, sure there may be times it appears that they do, but give it a few days and I bet they'll have forgotten all about you.
So why put on such a bravado?
Who is this Peacock dance display really for? And, why do we care so much?
There comes a time when our reason for saying and doing something must be reviewed and reflected upon carefully, such as:
WHY am I entering into this debate - am I getting into this for the right reasons or is Ash coming out to start a fire?
WHY do I feel I have to put my penny's worth in - am I trying to dominate the narrative for my own self-image or am I genuinely trying to support another?
WHY should other people listen to what I have to say - what makes my words more important than their own?
And this also includes reflecting on the ways we might be allowing others to enforce their own views and beliefs onto us, such as:
WHY do I have this person in my space - are they adding value to my life or are they only ever attempting to sabotage my hard work?
WHY am I giving this person my power - am I allowing their actions, behaviours and words to write my story for me?
WHEN is it time to instil boundaries to safeguard my emotional safety - am I leaving myself vulnerable to more attacks and if so, how can I distance myself?
For example, early last year I made a decision to remove a few individuals from my space, one being after countless failed attempts to be civil. Because I had blocked this person from my accounts, an influx of public negative comments and accusations were made to others surrounding how I conducted business and relationships.
One of the words used to describe my actions was "censorship".
This person genuinely believed that I was maliciously censoring them for having a slightly different opinion from me - they didn't seem to recognise that my actions were a way to self-protect.
But instead of unleashing 'Ash' and feeding into my inner-ego, I made peace with accepting that sometimes it's best to let things be.
Reason #4: Sometimes Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid.
Following on from my story I confess there was a momentary relapse and Ash emerged to reveal a tsunami of mixed emotions - panic, frustration, anger, confusion and fear.
But had I allowed my passion to drive my actions I could have quite easily made the entire situation a whole lot worse.
Instead I reached out to someone I trust for comfort and support and I remained silent to my aggressor -
This was a monumental turning point for me because while I acknowledged my charged level of emotions, I didn't allow this person to take my power and narrate my story.
For the first time, I was taking responsibility into my own hands.
Once I accepted that I can't control how another person receives and perceives my actions I found consolation and understanding.
I also made peace with embracing that some things are better left unsaid.
Note to reader: Closure doesn't always have to be your ideal ending - closure can be simply accepting that sometimes chapters end in a less than "ideal" way.
Reason #5: Our Purpose Is What Truly Matters.
My final lesson has been one of humility and self-acceptance.
Having finally emerged from the black hole of shame, pride and ego, I'm only just beginning to admit my flaws and welcome them in as part of me.
Equally, I'm realising that everyone goes through their own journey to humility and self-acceptance at different times and paces, therefore I also don't blame anyone for how their behaviour has affected me.
This understanding has gained me some insight into other ways I can self-protect and focus on what truly matters:
I can say that while I am less tolerable of people who I've made excuses for in the past, I am more willing to engage in debates so long as it remains healthy.
I can say that I have learned to let a lot of things go that have hurt me and I'm looking positively into the future.
Showing compassion for others doesn't have to mean allowing negative people to remain in our circle of influence - we can absolutely be compassionate without allowing an unhealthy conversation and/or relationship to continue.
Sometimes compassion can be walking away or shutting things down upon realising that to stay (or keep things open) would cause more harm - this is not "censorship" or being a "bad person" at all.
When Andrew had mentioned how important it is to shift passion into purpose I realised that although it had taken a good many years of controversy, my passion had already naturally evolved into purpose back when I decided to cut ties with those people because:
It no longer made sense to me to waste minutes of my time trying to defend my beliefs to people who didn't seem to see my perspective.
It no longer seemed more important to me to forgo my own needs for the sake of ensuring another's wasn't deprived.
It no longer mattered to me that a person I had expected more from let me down and left me feeling betrayed and a little lost - I accepted that they too are flawed just like me.
All that mattered was how my next thoughts, words and actions made a difference to the dogs I had even a smidgen of influence over.
All that mattered was living up to my promise to provide support to the individuals who had entrusted me to guide them.
All that mattered were the people in my life who loved me and genuinely wanted to see me thrive.
And so my whole journey up until this very moment has had me experience an array of emotions that I now know were necessary for my personal growth and development.
With it all in mind - the good, the bad and the dog awful - I venture into my next chapter with no regrets, no grudges and instead life experience that I'm sure has made me a slightly better, hopefully less egotistical person.
If you are still reading this post then I guess I would like to finish this post by quoting the title of a truly life-changing book by an amazing author called Richard Carlson -
Don't sweat the small stuff.
And it's ALL small stuff.
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